make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
