I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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