god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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