i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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