i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
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