shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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