the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
