I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
