Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
