thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
