I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
