Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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