everyone is single if you try hard enough
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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