im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
