weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
