i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
