He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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