Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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