I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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