So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
