Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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