i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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