Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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