im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
