Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Sober January is a disaster.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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