Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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