I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
