I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
