Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
