woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
