I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
