Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
