i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I could make wine with my vomit
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
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