Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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