Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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