haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
