I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Two words: nipple clamps
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