Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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