Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
