im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
