what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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