WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
