Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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