I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
