hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
