i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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