She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
