I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
