So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
