two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
