I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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