I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
