i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
