I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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