:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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