According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
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I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
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he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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