I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
