I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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